After Cyberwomen
by Light Goose
Summary: I know I'm a bit  well, very  late here but this is a funnyish  not laugh out loud funny by the way, you might not even find it funny  take on what happened after the episode Cyberwomen. T for swearing  not sure that's the right rating at all .


**Torchwood is owned by the BBC**

Jack was shouting at Ianto, practically screaming, no one could remember seeing him this angry. Ever (Well Owen and Tosh remembered a time but that's a different story completely). Jack was running out of steam and when the shouting stopped Jack stared at Ianto and asked in icy tome, 'Do you quite understand?' Ianto hadn't been listening to Jack but was aware he'd just been asked a question but had no idea which way to go, yes or no? Yes was probably the smart way to go but Ianto didn't care, he was done with being clever, 'Sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about 'cause I wasn't listening,' here Ianto stood up and then continued, 'But I've finished tidying up all _my_ mess and a lot of yours so I'm going to leave and if you have anything else you want to tell me just save it for later, okay?' The 'okay' was said in an incredibly patronising tone. Ianto then grabbed his coat and left the hub, he then thought, '_that_ was going to cost him.'

Jack and the rest of the team were left staring at the door Ianto had just stalked through; Owen was the first person to speak, 'You just got dissed by _Teaboy_.' Jack turned to look at Owen and his glare could probably cut ice. 'Owen, if you're so smarmy, you go and tell him he's on suspension…for four weeks.' With that Jack turned on his heel and left the office, and then he too left the hub. Owen paused and Tosh took the opportunity to leave, Owen quickly ran in front of her and said, 'Tosh, sweetheart, 'cause you're so eager to go could you tell Ianto, ta.' Owen then legged it out the hub.

'Sorry, but he only got four weeks suspension for _that_?' Gwen's brain seemed to of just caught up with the conversation.

'That's Torchwood for you,' said Tosh, she then continued bitterly 'It's all about coffee and looks, both of which Ianto has.' Tosh then picked up her bag and left, 'Leave the lights on Gwen, Jack will probably come back here.' Gwen was left standing alone in the hub staring around mouthing the phrase that was becoming annoyingly familiar to her, '_What_ just happened?'

TORCHWOOD

Jack arrived at his favourite roof and stood, staring out over the Bay. How had he not noticed this? That was the million dollar question, how had he, the master of cons, missed _that_ big a secret? _He_ had been conned by a Welsh boy from Swansea and then, after being conned, he had been 'dissed by the Teadoy' as Owen, oh so eloquently put it. He had missed the Cyberman in the basement. He came to a decision; screw his 'new' Torchwood, he, Jack Harkness refused to have **his** pride taken away from him by a teaboy. He pulled the retcon pill out his pocket and began the long walk to Ianto's house. Then he realised he had no idea where it was.

Jack was wondering around a dodgy area of Cardiff with a copy of Ianto's address, he had found Tosh's computer was on and open on Ianto's page, all he'd done was print it off for the address. He'd just assumed Owen had no idea where Ianto lived, like him. That was why he was slightly surprised when he bumped into Tosh in a dodgy street in Cardiff.

TORCHWOOD

Tosh could murder Owen right now. Some explaining may be in order as Tosh was usually so hopelessly in love with Owen. First she'd realised she had no idea where Ianto lived so she'd gone back to the hub (which was remarkably clean, how did Ianto do it?). In the hub she'd found Gwen staring at the wall like a goldfish and had politely told her it was probably best to go home. Gwen had nodded and walked out the hub in a trance, she snapped out of it when she remembered she'd forgotten coat and bag. When Gwen had gone (at last) Tosh had looked up Ianto's address and found out he lived in the back end of nowhere, so at 11:51 she was traipsing round a dodgy part of Cardiff looking for Ianto's house, and she'd forgotten to print off the address. _That_ was why Tosh could murder Owen.

She was extremely surprised when she bumped into Jack.

TORCHWOOD

Owen was feeling guilty, which was a feeling that was new to him. After going to the nearest bar and downing a few beers he's realised why, he felt guilty because as team doctor he should really go and talk to Ianto, and probably knock some common sense into him, preferably with a bat. Then he and Ianto would be cool, well as cool as they ever were normally, so off Owen popped to the hub to fetch his bat and a copy of Ianto's address.

When Owen entered the hub he was surprised to find Tosh's computer open on Ianto's page, Tosh probably didn't know Ianto's address. He printed off a copy and got his bat, also he saw fit to get an A-Z of Cardiff out of his drawer because Ianto lived in the back end of no where.

Owen was on Ianto's street with the help of the A-Z when he saw Tosh and Jack walking along. Fair to say, he was rather surprised, he knew why Tosh was here but why Jack? 'Oi, what are you doing here?'

'Tosh was telling me a very interesting story, Owen,' said Jack, 'It was about you bunking off an order I gave directly to you and giving it to poor Tosh here. You should be ashamed… or tell Tosh you're sorry' Owen sensed Jack was still angry so it would be wise to humour him, he could get fired, or worse, his pay could be cut. 'Sorry Tosh, I should 'av done it myself.'

'Thank you Owen,' said Tosh looking quite embarrassed.

'Well, this is quite a party, that is assuming you're all going to Ianto's house?' Tosh and Owen nodded. 'All we need is Gwen really,' continued Jack. They continued walking with the help of Owen's A-Z.

The team were not surprised when the bumped into Gwen halfway down Ianot's street, Gwen however was surprised by Owen putting his hand on her shoulder and saying' Gweeen,' in a raspy whisper. That was why she screamed and fainted.

TORCHWOOD

Gwen was sitting at home, alone. Rhys was out with his mates, getting a curry. At least she'd taped _Wife Swap _for him. Still, she was feeling rather confused, why had Ianto done it. _Why_? She had to understand. Gwen with her ever curious (and annoying) mind, decided to go to Ianto's house to find out. Then she realised she didn't know his address. She looked him up in the phone book. He lived in a fairly dingy part of town. Gwen then called a cab to pick her up as soon as possible. She got her coat and bag then waited for the taxi. When the taxi arrived she climbed in it and gave him Ianto's street name. After about fifteen or so minutes she got out the cab, and tripped over. The driver drove off and when she stood up she realised the driver had put her at the wrong end of the street. The taxi quickly returned because Gwen hadn't paid him (which was somehow her fault). She quickly paid the man, leaving a fairly small tip, and headed down the street; about halfway down she felt a hand on her shoulder and heard a ghostly voice saying, 'Gweeen,'. She screamed and then fainted, luckily someone caught her. Unfortunately, that someone was Tosh, who fell over and was then caught by Jack. Owen was too busy sniggering.

TORCHWOOD

Ianto was sitting at home on his sofa completely unaware of the afore mentioned events (apart from when he was there, obviously). He had only one thought running round his head, it was; whatever way you look at it I'm screwed. Firstly, he'd been hiding a Cyberman the basement, this dented Jack's pride, then he'd found out it was a woman, that made the dented pride even more dented (he only stopped here to think that 'dented pride' would be a great name for a car ). Then Owen had got beaten up, by a girl, another dented pride there, then there was Gwen who would be mad at him for ages because he got her stuck in a Cyber conversion machine, that he'd built (that was the last time _he_ built something, without checking the plans). Or Gwen would be sympathetic; he couldn't decide which was worse. Then there was Tosh, he didn't really know how Tosh would react. Before he had time to contemplate Tosh's reaction he heard his doorbell ring.

Fair to say, Ianto was surprised when he opened his door to Owen, Jack, Tosh and an unconscious Gwen. He hadn't even had time to change his suit.

TORCHWOOD

Damn, thought Jack, as Ianto opened the door, he wasn't crying like a girl. Instead he looked his normal perfectly composed self, except the bloody suit. 'May I help you?' asked Ianto. 'Yeah, can we lie Gwen down somewhere, she ways a ton,' Owen said before Jack had a chance to reply. Ianto showed them in and showed Owen his sofa. 'Ianto, this is _not_ helping with the Gwen situation,' grunted Owen.

'You put her on the sofa, Owen,' Ianto explained. Owen didn't say anything but Ianto counted another dented pride (or was that another dented pride that had been dented again, he wasn't sure). 'Well…' Jack started, now he was here he didn't really know what to say, he couldn't really retcon Ianto, think about the coffee, think about Owen without Ianto's coffee! He paused, 'You're suspended for four weeks.'

'Okaay,' Ianto replied, 'Is there some other reason why the whole of team Torchwood are here?'

'I came to check you over, you know, injury wise, hell, I should check everyone over, you have a table Ianto?' Owen said. Ianto went onto autopilot and said, 'Very good, sir' while gestured wordlessly over to a door, Owen opened it to find a kitchen, nice kitchen too. Ianto then looked at Tosh, 'I came to tell you what Jack told you but, he's told you so I should get checked over and go.' Again he said 'Very good, ma'am', he did think it slightly odd that everyone was being checked over in his house on his kitchen table but he wasn't really in a position to shout 'Everyone get the hell out my house!', was he? So instead he glanced at Gwen and frowned, 'Owen scared her.' Jack supplied.

'Very good, sir', Ianto said, so, he thought, this was the Torchwood crack squad*, a guy who had hid his cyber girlfriend in the basement and sounded like Jeeves when on autopilot, a scaredy cat, a hopeless romantic and two flirtatious pullers. Just great. 'Well, I'm leaving,' murmured Jack.

'Very good, sir,' said Ianto. Ianto held open the door and Jack left.

'Ianto do you have any nail files?' asked Owen as he poked his head round the door. Screw it, thought Ianto , 'That's it, everyone get the hell out my house!' Ianto shouted, Tosh grabbed her coat and ran out the door. Owen stopped only to grab Gwen and get out.

'God, he really needs to calm down,' said Owen.

Tosh gave him a look that said, not now Owen so he shut up. Then they both had the same thought, they were leaving poor Ianto all alone to cope! Who knew what he would do. Owen dropped Gwen and ran back to Ianto's house with Tosh behind him.

TORCHWOOD

Ianto slammed the door shut and sighed. Now, what had he been doing, thinking about the team, they'd seemed fi- Ianto's door was sent flying off it's hinges as Owen ran in saying, 'Ianto… oh this is embarrassing, he's fine.'

'Oh, Ianto, we'll pay for the door,' said Tosh. Ianto's face had gone white and he said, 'Very good ma'am.'

'We can't leave him here alone,' Owen said.

'Not in this kind of neighbourhood, without a door who knows what could happen to him.'

'You're right Tosh, Ianto, you can come and live at my place, grab your stuff.'

'No, he's staying at **my** place.'

'Good, then that's setteled, he's staying at your place.' Tosh scowled.

'Very good, ma'am but I think I am perfectly capable of remaining in my abode for now, after all I have a month off work and all that.'

'Are you sure Jee- , I mean, Ianto?' asked Tosh.

'Perfectly.'

'Well then, we can go Owen.' Owen had already left, Tosh waved goodbye to Ianto and left. Ianto propped up his door and went to sit on the sofa and cry for a bit.

TORCHWOOD

Gwen woke up lying on the street and freezing cold, she mouthed the words, '_What_ just happened?'

*this is NOT meant in a druggie way.

**Well, hope you like this, it's a bit of a crack fic, actually, I'm not really sure what it is. I would love reviews and I don't mind flames. I just want to write better **


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